Dear God,
I'm scared. I'm scared of growing up. I'm scared of what is going to happen next. I'm scared of the future. As much as I want to be independent, I know I need help. So I'm asking your help. Help show me where to go from here. Help lead me to the right path. I can already see how many problems I'm going to have. I already can tell I won't be able to do this alone. So I really need your help to get me through this. Please help me to see that I don't have to be so afraid of the future, and that you do have a plan for me.
Thanks,
Kristina
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Trust
So recently I talked to a friend of mind about trust. She said that God is helping me to trust him by bringing out good things in bad situations. I think with recent goings I really am starting to trust in him more. I'm still finding it really hard to put all my trust in him. I'm the kind of person that thinks I can do everything (Which I never can). So sometimes I know I have to ask him for help. I need to ask him to lead me to what he wants for me.
I must say that this past week has been one of the hardest journeys I have made. Creating my self portrait was extremely difficult for me. I kept telling myself "I can do this, I can do this." For some reason I really felt a pull to use a shot of me without my prosthetic eye in. That was just about the scariest shot I made in the film. I also took a few shots of me without my hair in my face. I wore a strapless shirt so that I would appear like I was naked. I wanted it to look like I was completely exposed because this is probably the most exposed I will ever be.
Putting the film together was terrifying. I had to pick out what shots I wanted to use and where. I know I wanted my last scene to be a shock. I wanted to really put myself out there. So I ended up using the shot of me without my eye in. For some reason not using it felt wrong to me. I just thought it wouldn't be as effective. I think God was guiding me through this entire process. I think he's trying to show me that I don't need to be so embarrassed and I don't have to be so afraid. Honestly this film is my best work so far.
When I showed it in class I was terrified. I was opening myself up to people I barely know. I was showing a whole group of people something that I've only shown my family and maybe two other people. So of course I was terrified. I was crying a lot during that class. When we all started to discuss each other's work it was insane. Everyone had really amazing work. When they began to discuss mine I think they were so shocked at what I did that they didn't really know what to say. My professor said she was amazed at my courage and was very proud of me. Of course this made me cry. My classmates also said some really nice things about it too. I'm pretty amazed at myself actually. I didn't think I would ever do something like this.
So I've made my first step to being able to be okay with who I am. I think this is a huge progress. I am going to continue to show this video to people. My next step may be submitting this to a festival. I'm not sure if it's festival quality though... I don't even know if a festival would accept it. I'm going to see if my professor says anything about submitting it anywhere. Maybe she thinks it's good enough. I'm not sure if I'm ready to put it online yet. People can be really mean online and I'm not sure if I can handle that yet. So right now I'm showing the people I think deserve to see it.
My goal with this project was to make something that put me in a really uncomfortable position. I wanted to make me more comfortable with myself. I want this to inspire people. I want it to show people that even if they have a disability or defect they don't have to be afraid to do things. I would love to show this to people who have the same problem I have. I want them to not be afraid either. I want to show parents who have children with this condition that they don't have to worry. I don't want people to feel the same way I have for years. So maybe if I could show them this film they wouldn't be afraid and they would embrace their flaws. That's what I want to accomplish with this film.
I think God is leading me to be brave with this. He's keeping me strong. I think he's pushing me to continue making films like this one. I am thanking him more and more every day for everything he's doing for me. I'd have to say I'm growing to trust in him more and ask for help when I need it. It's still hard, but I know he's doing all of this for me.
I must say that this past week has been one of the hardest journeys I have made. Creating my self portrait was extremely difficult for me. I kept telling myself "I can do this, I can do this." For some reason I really felt a pull to use a shot of me without my prosthetic eye in. That was just about the scariest shot I made in the film. I also took a few shots of me without my hair in my face. I wore a strapless shirt so that I would appear like I was naked. I wanted it to look like I was completely exposed because this is probably the most exposed I will ever be.
Putting the film together was terrifying. I had to pick out what shots I wanted to use and where. I know I wanted my last scene to be a shock. I wanted to really put myself out there. So I ended up using the shot of me without my eye in. For some reason not using it felt wrong to me. I just thought it wouldn't be as effective. I think God was guiding me through this entire process. I think he's trying to show me that I don't need to be so embarrassed and I don't have to be so afraid. Honestly this film is my best work so far.
When I showed it in class I was terrified. I was opening myself up to people I barely know. I was showing a whole group of people something that I've only shown my family and maybe two other people. So of course I was terrified. I was crying a lot during that class. When we all started to discuss each other's work it was insane. Everyone had really amazing work. When they began to discuss mine I think they were so shocked at what I did that they didn't really know what to say. My professor said she was amazed at my courage and was very proud of me. Of course this made me cry. My classmates also said some really nice things about it too. I'm pretty amazed at myself actually. I didn't think I would ever do something like this.
So I've made my first step to being able to be okay with who I am. I think this is a huge progress. I am going to continue to show this video to people. My next step may be submitting this to a festival. I'm not sure if it's festival quality though... I don't even know if a festival would accept it. I'm going to see if my professor says anything about submitting it anywhere. Maybe she thinks it's good enough. I'm not sure if I'm ready to put it online yet. People can be really mean online and I'm not sure if I can handle that yet. So right now I'm showing the people I think deserve to see it.
My goal with this project was to make something that put me in a really uncomfortable position. I wanted to make me more comfortable with myself. I want this to inspire people. I want it to show people that even if they have a disability or defect they don't have to be afraid to do things. I would love to show this to people who have the same problem I have. I want them to not be afraid either. I want to show parents who have children with this condition that they don't have to worry. I don't want people to feel the same way I have for years. So maybe if I could show them this film they wouldn't be afraid and they would embrace their flaws. That's what I want to accomplish with this film.
I think God is leading me to be brave with this. He's keeping me strong. I think he's pushing me to continue making films like this one. I am thanking him more and more every day for everything he's doing for me. I'd have to say I'm growing to trust in him more and ask for help when I need it. It's still hard, but I know he's doing all of this for me.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thank You
This week has been a pretty crazy one for me here. I must say that God really seems to work in mysterious ways sometime. This past week I've been under an immense amount of stress. I decided I would be the director for a music video project for my experimental film class. Well my teacher decided that we actually had to get a signed permission form to use the song. So I e-mailed countless bands and none of the ones I wanted got back to me at all. So I was really disappointed.
So last Friday I was on my way to Raleigh after work. During my two hours of driving time I decided to pray. I asked God what his plan was for me. I told him that I knew he was going to lead me to pick the right song. I knew he wouldn't just leave me in the dark. I know he has my best interest in mind.
All through the weekend I waited for e-mails from anyone for the song. Unfortunately I didn't get anything. So Sunday night--two nights before shooting--I still didn't have a song. I didn't even have an idea of what to do. I ended up e-mailing someone and he gave me a website. From there I found my song--and one of my group members is friends with the guy in the band--which meant we have no problems getting the signature.
Even though the song wasn't the one I was really wanting to use at first, I think it will be a great video. I think he led me to one that fits better in the experimental film world. I also must say that I had the strangest thing happen this morning. I woke up without feeling tired, stressed and annoyed. That almost never happens. Especially since I had so much to do. I just felt good about everything. I felt like everything was alright. It was a great feeling.
My day ended up being great too. I got a great haircut, filmed a lot of stuff for the video, and got to spend time with a good friend. Overall I just feel so much better now. I think God led me to make the right decisions. I really thank him a lot for leading me and not having me freaked out over more stuff. All I can hope for now is to get a great film role and make this project be absolutely amazing.
Now I just hope that God can lead me in the right path for my self portrait. I hope he can help guide me to being able to put myself out there in this way. In a way that I have never put myself out before. I'm really nervous about how it will turn out. I'm also nervous how people will react to it. I'm taking a big step out of my comfort zone. I hope he will help me make this a great film.
So last Friday I was on my way to Raleigh after work. During my two hours of driving time I decided to pray. I asked God what his plan was for me. I told him that I knew he was going to lead me to pick the right song. I knew he wouldn't just leave me in the dark. I know he has my best interest in mind.
All through the weekend I waited for e-mails from anyone for the song. Unfortunately I didn't get anything. So Sunday night--two nights before shooting--I still didn't have a song. I didn't even have an idea of what to do. I ended up e-mailing someone and he gave me a website. From there I found my song--and one of my group members is friends with the guy in the band--which meant we have no problems getting the signature.
Even though the song wasn't the one I was really wanting to use at first, I think it will be a great video. I think he led me to one that fits better in the experimental film world. I also must say that I had the strangest thing happen this morning. I woke up without feeling tired, stressed and annoyed. That almost never happens. Especially since I had so much to do. I just felt good about everything. I felt like everything was alright. It was a great feeling.
My day ended up being great too. I got a great haircut, filmed a lot of stuff for the video, and got to spend time with a good friend. Overall I just feel so much better now. I think God led me to make the right decisions. I really thank him a lot for leading me and not having me freaked out over more stuff. All I can hope for now is to get a great film role and make this project be absolutely amazing.
Now I just hope that God can lead me in the right path for my self portrait. I hope he can help guide me to being able to put myself out there in this way. In a way that I have never put myself out before. I'm really nervous about how it will turn out. I'm also nervous how people will react to it. I'm taking a big step out of my comfort zone. I hope he will help me make this a great film.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
His Creation
Recently I've started to learn some things about myself. I think it's really opened my mind. This has been on my mind for a while, and I have slowly been coming to the realization of this. So maybe I should go into a little of the background before I start:
When I was born there was something wrong with my right eye. There was something there that shouldn't have been there. The doctor's tried to remove it, but it just grew back. So the doctors basically decided that I had to lose my eyesight in that eye. The eye does not grow, and I have a prosthetic eye on top of it.
When I was younger I don't think it really affected me all that much. Maybe I bumped into a few walls, but it never stopped me from doing anything. As I grew up though, I started getting questions. The questions really started bothering me. Things like "What's wrong with your eye?" I hated explaining it to people. I still hate explaining it to people. I didn't like wearing glasses, so I decided the best way would be to try and mask it. I used my hair to cover it up. I still haven't become comfortable enough to move my hair completely out of my face, though it has made significant improvement.
Seeing all these beautiful models, and actresses made me really hate myself. I didn't look beautiful like they did. Some people said I should go into modeling, I knew I could never do that because of this imperfection. My pupils almost always look different sizes. I knew I could never be beautiful like them. I truly hated myself.
I have always wondered what the world looks like with two eyes. I can't see 3-D movies. They just look normal to me. I have no peripheral vision on my right side. I wonder what I would look like if I had two functioning eyes. I wonder if my life would be different.
I often wonder why God has given me this disability. I know he has a specific plan for me, but I just have a hard time trying to figure it out. I wonder if he gave me this to make me a stronger person. Maybe he did. I'm sure I have become a stronger person. I wonder why he decided to create me so different than most people.
Then God led me to film. He showed me my passion for the art. He showed me what I could create with a camera. I had a natural talent for photography and film that I never knew I had. I realized I could depict an emotion through a photograph or through a film.
This got me thinking. I have no depth perception. To me the world basically looks like a photograph-though I really don't see that much of a difference. This gave me the thought that maybe God decided to make me this way so that I see the world different than everyone else. Maybe this isn't a disability, but a gift that he has given me. He has given me a different way to see things. Different than what most see. Maybe I can use this to create my art.
This has really started to give me some hope. It's given me a reason to accept the gift for what it is. It's given me a reason to love myself.
When I was born there was something wrong with my right eye. There was something there that shouldn't have been there. The doctor's tried to remove it, but it just grew back. So the doctors basically decided that I had to lose my eyesight in that eye. The eye does not grow, and I have a prosthetic eye on top of it.
When I was younger I don't think it really affected me all that much. Maybe I bumped into a few walls, but it never stopped me from doing anything. As I grew up though, I started getting questions. The questions really started bothering me. Things like "What's wrong with your eye?" I hated explaining it to people. I still hate explaining it to people. I didn't like wearing glasses, so I decided the best way would be to try and mask it. I used my hair to cover it up. I still haven't become comfortable enough to move my hair completely out of my face, though it has made significant improvement.
Seeing all these beautiful models, and actresses made me really hate myself. I didn't look beautiful like they did. Some people said I should go into modeling, I knew I could never do that because of this imperfection. My pupils almost always look different sizes. I knew I could never be beautiful like them. I truly hated myself.
I have always wondered what the world looks like with two eyes. I can't see 3-D movies. They just look normal to me. I have no peripheral vision on my right side. I wonder what I would look like if I had two functioning eyes. I wonder if my life would be different.
I often wonder why God has given me this disability. I know he has a specific plan for me, but I just have a hard time trying to figure it out. I wonder if he gave me this to make me a stronger person. Maybe he did. I'm sure I have become a stronger person. I wonder why he decided to create me so different than most people.
Then God led me to film. He showed me my passion for the art. He showed me what I could create with a camera. I had a natural talent for photography and film that I never knew I had. I realized I could depict an emotion through a photograph or through a film.
This got me thinking. I have no depth perception. To me the world basically looks like a photograph-though I really don't see that much of a difference. This gave me the thought that maybe God decided to make me this way so that I see the world different than everyone else. Maybe this isn't a disability, but a gift that he has given me. He has given me a different way to see things. Different than what most see. Maybe I can use this to create my art.
This has really started to give me some hope. It's given me a reason to accept the gift for what it is. It's given me a reason to love myself.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Discriminating God?
Last week I went to a non-denominational Christian group. They read me a bible verse that really made me ask a lot of questions.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
Now from what everyone says God is supposed to be a very loving and kind God. He is supposed to love everyone, but this verse seems to say otherwise. This verse seems to say that God is very discriminating against his people. Now I do see some of these acts as being wrong, but I don't see them as being bad enough to not allow them to not be allowed into heaven. That's why I am questioning.
I think the part that bugs me the most is the homosexuals. I happen to know quite a few homosexuals who are all very wonderful people. I don't really see homosexuality as a sin. I believe love is love no matter what. Also there are questions about homosexuals choosing to be that way or it being a genetic thing. I think in no way is it a "disease," as some people may think that, but in no way is it a choice. I don't think anyone would choose to be discriminated against. Especially if even God supposedly discriminates against them according to this verse.
The verse after it also raises some questions in my head.
1 Corinthians 6:11 - "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
Now when explained by the people in the Church group this is supposed to mean that once you have turned and accepted Jesus Christ as your savior then you will be allowed into heaven. Now it makes me wonder does this mean that once they turn to God they will stop with their "sins?" I wonder if that means that even if a gay person takes Jesus as his savior, but doesn't stop being gay will they still be banned from heaven? I don't think a gay person can actually just stop being gay just because they accept Christ as their savior.
In my idea of God he doesn't discriminate against gay people. I mean if he creates everyone then doesn't he create the gays too? I don't think he would not allow a good person to enter heaven based only on the fact that they were gay. God is not that cruel. God loves everyone including the gays.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
Now from what everyone says God is supposed to be a very loving and kind God. He is supposed to love everyone, but this verse seems to say otherwise. This verse seems to say that God is very discriminating against his people. Now I do see some of these acts as being wrong, but I don't see them as being bad enough to not allow them to not be allowed into heaven. That's why I am questioning.
I think the part that bugs me the most is the homosexuals. I happen to know quite a few homosexuals who are all very wonderful people. I don't really see homosexuality as a sin. I believe love is love no matter what. Also there are questions about homosexuals choosing to be that way or it being a genetic thing. I think in no way is it a "disease," as some people may think that, but in no way is it a choice. I don't think anyone would choose to be discriminated against. Especially if even God supposedly discriminates against them according to this verse.
The verse after it also raises some questions in my head.
1 Corinthians 6:11 - "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
Now when explained by the people in the Church group this is supposed to mean that once you have turned and accepted Jesus Christ as your savior then you will be allowed into heaven. Now it makes me wonder does this mean that once they turn to God they will stop with their "sins?" I wonder if that means that even if a gay person takes Jesus as his savior, but doesn't stop being gay will they still be banned from heaven? I don't think a gay person can actually just stop being gay just because they accept Christ as their savior.
In my idea of God he doesn't discriminate against gay people. I mean if he creates everyone then doesn't he create the gays too? I don't think he would not allow a good person to enter heaven based only on the fact that they were gay. God is not that cruel. God loves everyone including the gays.
First Things First
So I decided to make this blog for my thoughts and questions. Mostly I will be writing about religions because I do have a lot of thoughts, ideas, and questions about religions. I am very curious about all of the different religions there are in the world because I don't know anything about most of them so it leads to a lot of questions.
That means feel free to post your opinions, thoughts, ideas, answers, anything you want as replies on here. You can agree or disagree with me. I just want this to be a place where I can let out my ideas onto a written thing. Also I'd like to see if anyone else out there has questions or theories. I want to learn a lot more because I am really curious about all of this.
To be honest I decided to write this and ask these questions in a blog because I am afraid to ask them at church. I am afraid that some of the people there may think differently of me if I express my ideas and opinions on some of these matters. I know that they always say that they are open to questions and stuff, but I really find it hard because I don't want them to think that I'm challenging their beliefs. I do not wish to challenge anyone's belief. I am just trying to figure out some ideas to help me find what to believe.
So that brings me to what I believe in, because I'm sure you will find that important. I do believe there is a God, but I don't believe he is what everyone thinks he is. I think there are many possibilities and I question those possibilities. I want to remain optimistic and realistic. My main questions will usually concern things in the bible.
So that's what this blog is going to be. If you're interested in the blog then follow me and we will see how this goes.
That means feel free to post your opinions, thoughts, ideas, answers, anything you want as replies on here. You can agree or disagree with me. I just want this to be a place where I can let out my ideas onto a written thing. Also I'd like to see if anyone else out there has questions or theories. I want to learn a lot more because I am really curious about all of this.
To be honest I decided to write this and ask these questions in a blog because I am afraid to ask them at church. I am afraid that some of the people there may think differently of me if I express my ideas and opinions on some of these matters. I know that they always say that they are open to questions and stuff, but I really find it hard because I don't want them to think that I'm challenging their beliefs. I do not wish to challenge anyone's belief. I am just trying to figure out some ideas to help me find what to believe.
So that brings me to what I believe in, because I'm sure you will find that important. I do believe there is a God, but I don't believe he is what everyone thinks he is. I think there are many possibilities and I question those possibilities. I want to remain optimistic and realistic. My main questions will usually concern things in the bible.
So that's what this blog is going to be. If you're interested in the blog then follow me and we will see how this goes.
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