Trust

So recently I talked to a friend of mind about trust. She said that God is helping me to trust him by bringing out good things in bad situations. I think with recent goings I really am starting to trust in him more. I'm still finding it really hard to put all my trust in him. I'm the kind of person that thinks I can do everything (Which I never can). So sometimes I know I have to ask him for help. I need to ask him to lead me to what he wants for me.

I must say that this past week has been one of the hardest journeys I have made. Creating my self portrait was extremely difficult for me. I kept telling myself "I can do this, I can do this." For some reason I really felt a pull to use a shot of me without my prosthetic eye in. That was just about the scariest shot I made in the film. I also took a few shots of me without my hair in my face. I wore a strapless shirt so that I would appear like I was naked. I wanted it to look like I was completely exposed because this is probably the most exposed I will ever be.

Putting the film together was terrifying. I had to pick out what shots I wanted to use and where. I know I wanted my last scene to be a shock. I wanted to really put myself out there. So I ended up using the shot of me without my eye in. For some reason not using it felt wrong to me. I just thought it wouldn't be as effective. I think God was guiding me through this entire process. I think he's trying to show me that I don't need to be so embarrassed and I don't have to be so afraid. Honestly this film is my best work so far.

When I showed it in class I was terrified. I was opening myself up to people I barely know. I was showing a whole group of people something that I've only shown my family and maybe two other people. So of course I was terrified. I was crying a lot during that class. When we all started to discuss each other's work it was insane. Everyone had really amazing work. When they began to discuss mine I think they were so shocked at what I did that they didn't really know what to say. My professor said she was amazed at my courage and was very proud of me. Of course this made me cry. My classmates also said some really nice things about it too. I'm pretty amazed at myself actually. I didn't think I would ever do something like this.

So I've made my first step to being able to be okay with who I am. I think this is a huge progress. I am going to continue to show this video to people. My next step may be submitting this to a festival. I'm not sure if it's festival quality though... I don't even know if a festival would accept it. I'm going to see if my professor says anything about submitting it anywhere. Maybe she thinks it's good enough. I'm not sure if I'm ready to put it online yet. People can be really mean online and I'm not sure if I can handle that yet. So right now I'm showing the people I think deserve to see it.

My goal with this project was to make something that put me in a really uncomfortable position. I wanted to make me more comfortable with myself. I want this to inspire people. I want it to show people that even if they have a disability or defect they don't have to be afraid to do things. I would love to show this to people who have the same problem I have. I want them to not be afraid either. I want to show parents who have children with this condition that they don't have to worry. I don't want people to feel the same way I have for years. So maybe if I could show them this film they wouldn't be afraid and they would embrace their flaws. That's what I want to accomplish with this film.

I think God is leading me to be brave with this. He's keeping me strong. I think he's pushing me to continue making films like this one. I am thanking him more and more every day for everything he's doing for me. I'd have to say I'm growing to trust in him more and ask for help when I need it. It's still hard, but I know he's doing all of this for me.