His Creation

Recently I've started to learn some things about myself. I think it's really opened my mind. This has been on my mind for a while, and I have slowly been coming to the realization of this. So maybe I should go into a little of the background before I start:

When I was born there was something wrong with my right eye. There was something there that shouldn't have been there. The doctor's tried to remove it, but it just grew back. So the doctors basically decided that I had to lose my eyesight in that eye. The eye does not grow, and I have a prosthetic eye on top of it.

When I was younger I don't think it really affected me all that much. Maybe I bumped into a few walls, but it never stopped me from doing anything. As I grew up though, I started getting questions. The questions really started bothering me. Things like "What's wrong with your eye?" I hated explaining it to people. I still hate explaining it to people. I didn't like wearing glasses, so I decided the best way would be to try and mask it. I used my hair to cover it up. I still haven't become comfortable enough to move my hair completely out of my face, though it has made significant improvement.

Seeing all these beautiful models, and actresses made me really hate myself. I didn't look beautiful like they did. Some people said I should go into modeling, I knew I could never do that because of this imperfection. My pupils almost always look different sizes. I knew I could never be beautiful like them. I truly hated myself.

I have always wondered what the world looks like with two eyes. I can't see 3-D movies. They just look normal to me. I have no peripheral vision on my right side. I wonder what I would look like if I had two functioning eyes. I wonder if my life would be different.

I often wonder why God has given me this disability. I know he has a specific plan for me, but I just have a hard time trying to figure it out. I wonder if he gave me this to make me a stronger person. Maybe he did. I'm sure I have become a stronger person. I wonder why he decided to create me so different than most people.

Then God led me to film. He showed me my passion for the art. He showed me what I could create with a camera. I had a natural talent for photography and film that I never knew I had. I realized I could depict an emotion through a photograph or through a film.

This got me thinking. I have no depth perception. To me the world basically looks like a photograph-though I really don't see that much of a difference. This gave me the thought that maybe God decided to make me this way so that I see the world different than everyone else. Maybe this isn't a disability, but a gift that he has given me. He has given me a different way to see things. Different than what most see. Maybe I can use this to create my art.

This has really started to give me some hope. It's given me a reason to accept the gift for what it is. It's given me a reason to love myself.